You Are Where You Are, and You’re Moving Up

November 18th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino, M.A.

I’ve had some very interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

Here’s what I realized:

1) I am where I am – that feels good

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very “successful” but inwardly a very deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an “expert” and advocate of women’s reinvention, because that’s exactly what I’d done well -  breaking through the 12 “hidden” crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It’s been all about breaking through.

2) But now I want to go somewhere else – and that feels better

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself “successful” both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success – tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I’m committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams – clear, crisp, and shiny.

To create/achieve that, I need more – more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I’m doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I’m reaching out to women I admire deeply - those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms – and I’m learning from them.  I’ve found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you’d like to, how you’d like to do it.

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly – How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews – Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson  –  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who’ve achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It’s all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder – you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that’s the dream anyway).  And you don’t want to go down a rung on your ladder!

Funny, I feel like I’m on a ladder – not one about popularity or “hierarchy” but an “energetic” ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I’m standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung – my future self — and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I’m seeing on this rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about – whether that’s family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  – you name it, they’re doing it.  These women don’t subscribe to the notion that they can’t have it all – they simply don’t see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

The lesson for me in all of this is – At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic “level” that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we’re ready for, deep-down.  But then – suddenly and inexplicably — we want more and we want different, and we’re ready to create it.

So it’s time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I’m ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

Question of the week: What do you feel you’re ready for now – what’s your next “rung?”  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

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“We’d Rather Die Than Be Divided”

November 13th, 2009

Kathy Caprino, M.A.

This past Wednesday, I attended a very powerful and moving event in Greenwich, CT, hosted by 85 Broads.  It was an inspiring forum and gathering of trailblazing women, all of whom want to make a difference - no matter how small or large — in the world around them.

Whether they’re impacting law, finance, politics, technology, corporate policy, fashion, or non-profit, each attendee has a dream to not only succeed abundantly, but also help other women and impact the world in the process.

Marie Wilson — President and Founder of The White House Project was the featured speaker, and my God, what a powerful individual, women’s advocate , and speaker she is.  She shared many riveting stories and vital information about the state of women in political leadership today, and how sorely lacking the U.S. is in representation of women in leadership.

The story that touched me most deeply, however, was about a group of young girls, 12 years of age or so, in Rwanda.  Marie tells of these girls who were gathered together in their classroom in school, when suddenly insurgents crashed into their classroom with guns flying, and demanded that the girls divide themselves (ostensibly for the purpose of selecting who would be killed and who spared).

The girls sat completely motionless, saying nothing.  The gunman screamed again, “DIVIDE YOURSELVES!”  Again the girls did not move or speak. 

After a few long moments, one lone little girl replied, “We would rather die than divide ourselves.”

The moment I heard this story, I realized something that shook me.  We in this country divide ourselves constantly - we make others wrong, we judge and criticize, and put ourselves above others (or beneath them), we distance ourselves and create walls around us - as a constant practice.

What is needed most today — among women and among all human beings — is connection, community and commitment.  Connection - so that we can feel more for each other’s experiences, and can demonstrate compassion, empathy and validation.  Community -  because we can do so much more together than we can do alone, and being together uplifts us.  And finally - commitment.  It doesn’t matter what you “want” in life - what matters is what you’re truly committed to creating.

“We would rather die than be divided.”  That’s a principle that I am now committed to living by.

Thank you, Marie Wilson, and Janet Hanson of 85 Broads for reminding us that community, connection, and commitment changes the world.

What are you committed to creating in your life, and where can you find connection and community to support you?

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Isisara: Right to Life

November 12th, 2009

This year three of my girlfriends buried their mothers.  When you lose a parent, it feels like the roof has been blown off your house and you are alone, starkly uncovered against the elements.  This was the second parent for all of them, and so the feeling of being exposed to the wind and sky and an unknown future was doubly acute.

I could certainly relate, having also witnessed the passing of both my parents.   And I say this with the most curious and telling absence of feeling, but while I loved my mother deeply and missed her tremendously, in the 37 years since she died I have never gone to visit her grave except for the afternoon I buried my father with her two decades ago.  That is, until last Saturday morning.

I actually don’t know why I never went back. But I was a teenager when she died and now as I reflect on it, I see that I must have been furious that she was gone.  Or frightened of facing the feelings her death would bring up in me.   I guess I just didn’t want to see.

Mom has been in my thoughts so often over the years.  I was her only child and we were inseparable.   She came to mind at all my landmark occasions: when I graduated from college and grad school, when I got a job I was terribly excited about, and then when I was promoted to vice president.  I thought of her when I got married and later when my husband died.   She was especially present when I became a mother myself.   Whenever I needed her guidance, because we’d been so close, it was as if I already knew what she would say. I had only to think of her voice and her hand stroking my arm, and I was comforted.   While I wish I had known her when I grew into an adult when we could have talked to each other woman to woman, I have always felt that our relationship has continued to develop over the years anyway.

I think it was the fact that I am now at the age she was when she died that made this anniversary of her death so acute.  It was always some kind of benchmark for me, lurking in the back of my mind, and I find now I was secretly wondering if I would live beyond that certain number.  Because my mother was the pathfinder in life for me, it was as if I did not know how to live past the age she did.   So on Saturday I went to find out.

There are only a handful of cemeteries on Long Island, so it was not difficult to find the right one.  My dear friend Sonia drove me out there.  It was a sunny and crisp morning.  I’d brought a few things for our visit.  Mom and Dad are buried together at the beginning of a row of graves near some trimmed evergreen shrubs next to a low wall.  I spread the blanket I brought on the grass so we could sit with them.  Then I arrayed a dozen photographs around the name plate.  There were pictures of me from childhood, a photo of the two of them, several of my daughter at various ages (they’d never met her), some photos of the extended family we have created, and a lovely shot of my daughter and me at my young cousin’s graduation.  I brought Mom a bottle of ginger beer, her favorite, and some coral tea roses.

First off I told her that her beloved Yankees won the World Series again.  She was an avid baseball fan, and would watch any game between any teams at anytime.  But she was a New Yorker by choice and remained loyal to her home team to the last.  Then we talked about everything else … about how much I loved being a mother and how much of my mothering I’ve modeled on her. My daughter and I are readers, as was she, and we love the arts, as did she.   I told her about my life and how much I’ve accomplished, and about the dreams I still have for myself.   On the map I brought along, I pointed out the places in the world I’ve seen and the places I have yet to visit.  My adventurous immigrant parents bequeathed their wanderlust to their only child, and now my daughter, their grand child, also has a passport that’s heavily stamped and worn with use.

Finally I thanked my mother for giving me her best, and for letting me know often and in no uncertain terms that I was loved without reservation.  The woman I am is the result of the girl she raised.  Although we were together for only 18 years, the strength and steadfastness of her love has been the foundation of my life and my security in the world ever since.

Death has been a great teacher for me, and the graves of my immediate family are the mile markers of my life.  She was the first to go and I knew, standing by her casket all those years ago, that I had only two choices - to die with her or to keep living.   My visit with my mother, many years overdue, has confirmed for me that I am happy to say I am still here.  I stayed alive.  By reconnecting with my mother’s death I have made peace with my own life, and now I can not just survive, I can thrive.

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How to Make Decisions That Are Ultimately Right for You

November 10th, 2009

Kathy Caprino, M.A.

My wonderful coaching clients ask me frequently, “How do I know if this is the right step?  I’m just so confused.” 

To get clear on the next step to take that will be ultimately beneficial for you, answer these three questions first, then move on the path to making your decision.

There are three powerful questions to consider before you address any significant decision:

1) Do you have enough information to make this decision?  If not, get it.

2) Is it the right time to make this decision – if not, then wait.  If so, take the steps listed below.

3) How important is this decision?  If it’s not at all important to your life, stop agonizing, and use your gut to tell you what direction to go in, and just do something.

If the time is right to make your decision, and you have enough information to do it, then follow this process:

1) Shift your mindset about decisions and next steps

First, disengage yourself from needing to believe that there is an ultimate “right” outcome to anything.  There isn’t.  Life is a cycle, a process, a flow, not a final destination.  You’ll never “get there.”  It’s all about experiencing life fully, NOW, and loving it.  Forget about outcome, and look at “process” – explore what you think this step will bring to you, along with the process of living that this step will allow you to engage in.  In other words, will this next step encourage you to grow, stretch, be excited, enlivened, and expand yourself?  If so, there’s a great deal of benefit in it.

2) How does it make you feel to consider it?

In my marriage and family therapy training, one professor said that “feeling” is the “F” word – because a therapist and client talking just about feelings can be a slippery slope of not leading to any interventions that truly help a person move forward.

In this case, however, gaining awareness of how you feel is vitally important.  Watch yourself as you explore this next step or potential decision.  Do you feel energized, excited, with your heart beating?  Or do you feel like taking a nap, exhausted, depressed and hopeless.  How you feel, and the shifts in your energy level when you’re evaluating a potential decision are highly indicative of what your heart and soul really want to do.

3) Look at what holds you back – is it all fear-based?

Write out all the pros and cons to the decision you’re facing.  Then look at the cons…are they all fear-based (“what if”, anxiety-ridden thinking)?  If so, you’re most likely getting stuck in your limited beliefs and ego-based thinking that tell you that you simply can’t embrace this challenge or step because you’ll fail or the unknown is too scary.  The unknown doesn’t have to be scary – if you embrace it as a way to be more of yourself.

4) What does your intuition/gut tell you to do?

Decisions are best made when you combine logical, linear thinking with intuitive-based wisdom that comes from a higher place.  Your logical thinking helps you identify all the pros and cons (see #3) from an intellectual perspective, but your intuition has a farther-reaching view, one that sees a bigger picture of who and where you truly want to go, and what you’re capable of. 

Get in closer touch with your internal guiding wisdom and intuition.  Start today by developing a deeper inner dialog.  Ask questions of yourself on a continual basis, and listen for the answers, then follow them!.  Begin by asking simple “yes” or “no” questions (should I take this route or that one to get to my destination, should I stop here or wait a bit, etc.), and begin hearing what your intuition tells you.  Find the place in your body where your feel your intuition most (your gut, throat, back of your neck, heart, etc.) and begin incorporating the messages of your intuition in every decision you make.

*  *  *  *  *

Ultimately, each decision you make is the right one, because you made it, and you did your best at the time, and because it inevitably led to something that was important for you to experience.  Going forward, make your decisions with fuller awareness, choice, and a belief that everything you experience will ultimately lead to something greater in yourself.  Then, every decision will feel like (and be) the right one. 

If you have a decision to make today: get the info you need, don’t make assumptions about what you’re capable of, do your best, stop worrying, and start living.

Question of the week: What decisions have you made that at first seemed to be a mistake, but later opened up great new possibilities for you?

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When to Take Things Personally, and When Not To

November 7th, 2009

This week, two ongoing clients of mine simply forgot they were scheduled for a coaching session, and just didn’t call.  When talking to them later, they apologized profusely, with sincere embarrassment, and told me they were crashingly busy, and their week got away from them  — they simply forgot (or had neglected to write it down).

When stuff happens in my life — in twos and threes like this — I like to try to wrap my head around if there’s something for me to learn or do differently, or if it’s just a random occurrence not worthy of any major evaluation or analysis.  After all, sometimes in life (as a friend of mine likes to say), “A butterfly is just a butterfly.”

In this case, I think there is something to look at…that perhaps making time for self-examination and self-discovery is a bit daunting in the face of everything else going on for these folks this week.    Perhaps an “I forgot” really means, “I can’t take this in, this week. I’m just not up for it.  I will be ready again soon, but not this week.”  And I really get that.

What would be even more empowering would be for each of us to grow in our awareness of this feeling, and say out loud, “I’m a bit overwhelmed right now, and can’t tackle anything more this week.”  After all, we’ve all had moments/periods like that.  There’s no shame in it.

To answer my own question, then, do I take these types of occurrences personally (that a few folks are forgetting to call in on a given week?)  Actually, no, I don’t (please let me know if you think I’m crazy!)  Per the powerful Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz, I work on avoiding taking things personally, because it gives me greater freedom not to, and an increased ability to keep an open heart and mind.  After all, whatever you want and need is up to you, as is the way you choose to communicate it.  In the end, I’m happier and less self-conscious when I don’t take things personally.

Question of the day: What do you take really personally, and what can you just let go of instead?  I’d love to hear your views.

Here’s to letting it all go, and feeling freer to just be ourselves and letting others do the same.

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Isisara: Changing the Frame

November 4th, 2009

frame It seems I’m often confessing in these blogs.  Well here’s another one.  First I’ll reveal another limiting belief I’ve been holding, and then how that faulty picture has been reframed.

Okay, out with it: I don’t like keeping track of my financials.  I’ve never done my own taxes; I always have someone else do them.  The ability to balance a checking account has eluded me.  I estimate how much money I have at any given time. Keeping an exact budget feels like a straitjacket.  I think the stock market is the real voodoo economics.

Now, I do love having and spending money.  I have always come in under budget in my professional life.  I have a personal investment manager who does my investing for me.  I’ve always participated in company 401Ks to the maximum allowed.  When it comes to cash, my general attitude is that I have enough skills to keep myself employed, that I always have enough, and that money turns up when I am in need.  But the details of that money remain in fantasyland, out of my incapable hands.

So you get the conceptual frame around my finances.   Money is always there, sometimes in abundance, sometimes a bit scarce, but I always survive.  Do you see the gilding around the frame? I have built my financial life on a foundation of occasional lack and inconsistency, mystery, illusiveness, unpredictability and dependency on what I can earn or raise.

What’s at the bottom of it all?  Fear, plain and simple.   When my coach, Rha, asked me what this fear felt like and where it came from, the elements I named sounded crazy and puny all by themselves, even untrue.  I know I’m not really incapable, untalented, incompetent or unworthy.  I realized the fear is bigger and badder, darker and meaner when I leave it as a nameless, murky, all encompassing haze.

Then Rha asked me to imagine what knowing my numbers could mean to me.  As I quietly felt deep into that state, amazing responses bubbled up to the surface:

When I know my numbers I have power.
When I know my numbers I have the facts, and I can consciously choose what to spend and how much. I don’t have to wish, guess or hope.
When I know my numbers I can see when I need to make more.
When I know my numbers I can shape my life, I can control my time.
When I know my numbers I have the clarity to dream bigger, and the ability to make those dreams real.
When I know my numbers I have peace of mind and spirit.  I rest easy at night and walk with confidence during the day.
When I know my numbers I can teach my daughter by my example and set her on a path to her own true independence.
When I know my numbers I can be free.
frame2

The next step in Rha’s process was to encourage me to write these revelations down as a series of affirmations, and post them right where I pay my bills and input my numbers in Quick Books.    So when I open the envelopes, write my checks and create my budget, I am no longer just fulfilling some onerous chore.  These affirmations help me reframe the context for my financials, making them much more attractive to me and much more resonant with my values and the vision I hold for my life.

What I am really doing when I look at the facts of my figures is stepping into my power on new terms.  I am saying amen to clarity.  I am fanning the fires of my deepest desires and helping them manifest.   I am enlivening the energy of abundance in my wallet and my bank accounts.   I am co-creating a new reality.  I am walking in freedom.

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Five Ways to Power-Up and Get What You Want

October 30th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino, M.A.

Here’s a quick rundown on five tactics for gaining more strength and power in your life and work, beginning today:

1) Do the inner work you have to do – I’ve had more than a few folks tell me lately that they really don’t want to do the deep re-evaluation and exploration work necessary to create more success and fulfillment.  In essence, they want it done for them or given to them.  My view – that just ain’t gonna happen (and why would you want it to)?   

Tip: Do the inner and outer work necessary to 1) figure out what you really want, 2) figure out the best way to get it, 3) figure out what you need to shift and change to get it, and 4) determine what you’ll give up to have it.  Then go get it.

2) Learn from others – In many of my seminars and talks to women, there are always one or two individuals who come up to me afterwards and share with me that they didn’t want to hear the views or experiences of others – they just wanted to focus on their own issues/problems.  But being teachable and understanding that we’re all alike in vital ways and can learn from others, is an essential ingredient to power and success.  Let connection feed you, not drain you.

 Tip: Let go of your inner narcissist.  Stop focusing exclusively on yourself.  Start connecting - listening to and learning from others.  There’s a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and perspective out there for you to benefit from.

3) Stop thinking “making great money means soul-sucking misery” -  If I hear one more time, “Yeah, Kathy, this career fulfillment stuff is nice, but I’ve got to pay the mortgage,” I’m going to spit.  Of course we have to pay our bills and stay afloat, but when are folks going to realize that paying your bills DOESNT inherently, inevitably mean sacrificing your soul to do it, and being miserable.  We think it does because we’ve mistakenly told ourselves that lie our entire lives – that making great money = soul-crushing work.  Making the money you truly need doesn’t mean you have to get sick, depressed, lose yourself, hate yourself, and sacrifice everything that means anything to you, just so you can pay your mortgage. 

 Tip: Figure out the new path you desperately long to take, and begin step-by-step to create it, with money-making and meeting your needs as a key goal.  No more excuses.

4) When you don’t know what you want to do, first focus on “essence,” then on “form” – When you’re really stuck as to what you want to do next, focus on figuring out the “essence” of what you want first in your life and work, and worry about the right “form” of it only as a second step.  An example: let’s say you adore singing and always have, and you hate your corporate job.  You might be thinking, “All I want to do is quit this job, and start singing for a living. I think I’d love that!”  To that, I’d say, “Wait a minute!”  Making a living as a singer (for instance) can be excruciatingly difficult.  Most performers say, “Do this only if you can’t NOT do it!”  So before you jump into what new job/career that you’ve been fantasizing about, figure out if it’s something you truly can’t live without doing and if you’re suited to a life of it. 

What are the inner qualities, traits (the essence) of the thing you long for – what do you think this thing will give your life that you don’t have now?  Ask yourself, “What does singing give to me?”  Your answers might be that singing brings you: entertainment, the joy of creating something beautiful, the reward of making music with others, creativity, harmony, fun, stimulation, physical exertion that’s also relaxing, surrounding yourself with beautiful sounds, etc.  

 After you know specifically what singing (or the thing you’re fantasizing about) gives you, then see if you can bring forward any parts of that “essence” into your current life/career.  If not, then start evaluating and researching what that might mean for you in terms of changing your job/career to embrace more of the essence of what you long for.

Tip: Explore what lights you up, what gives you passion, and why.  They determine if there are any ways you can bring those endeavors forward in your life today, without a wholesale reinvention, if possible.

5) Get Tough - Power Up Your Boundaries – To get what you want in life, you have to be strong and confident.  You have to protect yourself from all those who would suck your energy dry, use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty for not doing more than you should for others, and diminish you.  You can’t have a powerful life if you’re giving over all your power to others (including your children, spouse, boss, employer, friends, relatives, etc.).

Tip: Think about where you feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, and start there.  To whom do you need to say “no” and why aren’t you saying it?  It’s time to say more “No!” to others, and more “Yes!” to yourself, and time to speak up.  Just do it.

Question for the day: In what ways do you struggle in terms of feeling powerful and confident?  And what have you done to successfully increase your power in areas where it’s shaky?

Thanks for sharing, and many happy breakthroughs,
Kathy

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Isisara: Self of Steam

October 28th, 2009

Do you know what you’re really good at?  Do you know when you are really on, living from deep inside yourself, moving from your core?  Zen describes it as the connection between the archer and the target that pulls the arrow straight to the heart of the bull’s eye. That state of grace when intention and action flow seamlessly, one to the other, and you are in the proverbial zone.   It is a natural feeling that is almost impossible to describe because it is so innate, like asking a fish to describe the water in which it swims.

It took me years to understand that although I didn’t have to be good at everything, there were certain things I was excellent at doing.  Whenever I am in the process of doing those things I feel centered, peaceful and connected, hypersensitive to everything around me and able to encompass it all at once, nearly invincible, with the courage to risk being honest and vulnerable.

Writing, leading groups and speaking into a microphone from a stage or on radio are the times when I am in my power, when my actions are graceful and unforced, when I am my most authentic self.

What are the clues?  The first clue is that it’s something that feels effortless when I am doing it. Every cell is plugged in, and resources I did not know I had are suddenly at my disposal. That doesn’t mean that I don’t study, or develop my skills in those areas.  I have and I do.  But when I am engaged in those activities, I seem to just flow with it.
It’s also something that is so much fun it doesn’t feel like work.  I can do it for hours, and would spend whatever time it takes to get it done to perfection.  These are areas in which I exercise great discipline. Somewhere I read that discipline means to be a disciple to one’s dream, and that is how I feel about my talents - that I was born to do them, and that my utilizing my talents is my contributions to the world.

When I have a piece to write, or an event to lead, I approach the preparation with tremendous respect.  I make sure I have the proper tools that are needed.  I give it time and quiet surroundings.  I set my intention for the work and the recipients of the work.  I lay the foundation to unleash my creativity with music, inspiring images, a candle and perhaps a cup of herbal tea.  It is a calling and I honor it with the deepest respect.

When you find what you are best at, the gates of heaven open up, because your work becomes heaven on earth.  Imagine being able to support yourself, amuse yourself, bring joy to others and benefit mankind from your innate talent.  Most people spend a lifetime not finding that, trapped in jobs they either tolerate or outright hate just to draw a paycheck.  For others, it is the dream deferred because they never found a way to make good on their talents.

Doing what you are best at ramps up your self-image because you excel at it and it shows.  My friend Nancy’s daughter calls self-esteem her “self of steam” and I think she’s right.  I think you have to get a full head of steam up, pure energy, in order to propel your life’s engine to its optimal speed. And what better fuel can there be to run your life than your own natural abilities?

Don’t worry that your talent may not be as great as someone else’s. Each of us has unique and valuable gifts.    Even if all you’re good at is telling jokes, think of how healing (and rewarding) laughter can be.  Just ask Steve Harvey, Chris Rock and Jay Leno.  If you follow your muse, authentically and easily, it will lead you to unexpected places, unimagined fulfillment and maybe even untold riches.

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The Met’s “American Stories”

October 26th, 2009

I could imagine my young great grandmother Mary Degan with her mother celebrating the completion of one of their beautiful crazy quilts as I was looking at a painting I saw called “The Quilting Frolic” by John Lewis Krimmel.  “The Quilting Frolic” was among a number of paintings I saw yesterday when my husband Gary and I visited the new exhibit, “American Stories Paintings of Everyday Life, 1765-1915″ at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

In this wonderful collection of paintings you can look back at your own families history see what was happening to farmers, house maids, sales people, fishermen, free men, painters, families, slaves, Native Americans, freed slaves, cowboys and immigrants through the eyes of painters who captured everyday life. Among other things you’ll be reminded of how far women have come when you see the everyday roles we filled in 1850. These paintings and this show are not to be missed. If you plan to be anywhere near New York City for the holidays make plans to see American Stories!  Wow!

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Why You Can’t Find Balance – and Why You Won’t, Until You Take These Steps

October 23rd, 2009

Lately, I’ve been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women’s plates were full before, now they’re piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can’t have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren’t easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won’t ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here’s what’s necessary:

1) You’ve got to fight for it.

If you’re in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what’s right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can’t continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can’t speak up on your own (because you’ll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won’t change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what’s right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you’ll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you’ll drop out of the game.  That’s fine, if you’re doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don’t have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You’ve got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can’t feel healthy and balanced when you’re working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It’s not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it’s essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can’t do any more.  If that’s what he says, it’s critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It’s up to you to do this.  He won’t volunteer for this.

If you’re an overfunctioner (doing more than what’s necessary, healthy or appropriate – and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don’t want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first – internally – and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you’ll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you’ll have to deal with your family’s initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you’re not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what’s appropriate — not more — and it’s not easy.  But you’ll find a new stability, and they’ll get over it, and so will you. 

You’ll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you’ll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it’s time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you’re creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children – I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn’t ask.  That’s a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today’s the day.  Let’s all figure out for ourselves:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about
2) What are you taking on that’s too much – more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary
3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say “no”?
4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?
5) If you’re in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I’d suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand – get yourself out of your box and look at what’s truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today’s action step – Don’t waste another minute blaming someone else.  It’s your life – claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?

Please share!

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