Posts Tagged ‘Kathy Caprino’

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You Are Where You Are, and You’re Moving Up

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino, M.A.

I’ve had some very interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

Here’s what I realized:

1) I am where I am – that feels good

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very “successful” but inwardly a very deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an “expert” and advocate of women’s reinvention, because that’s exactly what I’d done well -  breaking through the 12 “hidden” crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It’s been all about breaking through.

2) But now I want to go somewhere else – and that feels better

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself “successful” both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success – tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I’m committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams – clear, crisp, and shiny.

To create/achieve that, I need more – more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I’m doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I’m reaching out to women I admire deeply - those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms – and I’m learning from them.  I’ve found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you’d like to, how you’d like to do it.

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly – How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews – Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson  –  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who’ve achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It’s all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder – you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that’s the dream anyway).  And you don’t want to go down a rung on your ladder!

Funny, I feel like I’m on a ladder – not one about popularity or “hierarchy” but an “energetic” ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I’m standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung – my future self — and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I’m seeing on this rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about – whether that’s family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  – you name it, they’re doing it.  These women don’t subscribe to the notion that they can’t have it all – they simply don’t see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

The lesson for me in all of this is – At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic “level” that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we’re ready for, deep-down.  But then – suddenly and inexplicably — we want more and we want different, and we’re ready to create it.

So it’s time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I’m ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

Question of the week: What do you feel you’re ready for now – what’s your next “rung?”  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

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“We’d Rather Die Than Be Divided”

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Kathy Caprino, M.A.

This past Wednesday, I attended a very powerful and moving event in Greenwich, CT, hosted by 85 Broads.  It was an inspiring forum and gathering of trailblazing women, all of whom want to make a difference - no matter how small or large — in the world around them.

Whether they’re impacting law, finance, politics, technology, corporate policy, fashion, or non-profit, each attendee has a dream to not only succeed abundantly, but also help other women and impact the world in the process.

Marie Wilson — President and Founder of The White House Project was the featured speaker, and my God, what a powerful individual, women’s advocate , and speaker she is.  She shared many riveting stories and vital information about the state of women in political leadership today, and how sorely lacking the U.S. is in representation of women in leadership.

The story that touched me most deeply, however, was about a group of young girls, 12 years of age or so, in Rwanda.  Marie tells of these girls who were gathered together in their classroom in school, when suddenly insurgents crashed into their classroom with guns flying, and demanded that the girls divide themselves (ostensibly for the purpose of selecting who would be killed and who spared).

The girls sat completely motionless, saying nothing.  The gunman screamed again, “DIVIDE YOURSELVES!”  Again the girls did not move or speak. 

After a few long moments, one lone little girl replied, “We would rather die than divide ourselves.”

The moment I heard this story, I realized something that shook me.  We in this country divide ourselves constantly - we make others wrong, we judge and criticize, and put ourselves above others (or beneath them), we distance ourselves and create walls around us - as a constant practice.

What is needed most today — among women and among all human beings — is connection, community and commitment.  Connection - so that we can feel more for each other’s experiences, and can demonstrate compassion, empathy and validation.  Community -  because we can do so much more together than we can do alone, and being together uplifts us.  And finally - commitment.  It doesn’t matter what you “want” in life - what matters is what you’re truly committed to creating.

“We would rather die than be divided.”  That’s a principle that I am now committed to living by.

Thank you, Marie Wilson, and Janet Hanson of 85 Broads for reminding us that community, connection, and commitment changes the world.

What are you committed to creating in your life, and where can you find connection and community to support you?

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How to Make Decisions That Are Ultimately Right for You

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Kathy Caprino, M.A.

My wonderful coaching clients ask me frequently, “How do I know if this is the right step?  I’m just so confused.” 

To get clear on the next step to take that will be ultimately beneficial for you, answer these three questions first, then move on the path to making your decision.

There are three powerful questions to consider before you address any significant decision:

1) Do you have enough information to make this decision?  If not, get it.

2) Is it the right time to make this decision – if not, then wait.  If so, take the steps listed below.

3) How important is this decision?  If it’s not at all important to your life, stop agonizing, and use your gut to tell you what direction to go in, and just do something.

If the time is right to make your decision, and you have enough information to do it, then follow this process:

1) Shift your mindset about decisions and next steps

First, disengage yourself from needing to believe that there is an ultimate “right” outcome to anything.  There isn’t.  Life is a cycle, a process, a flow, not a final destination.  You’ll never “get there.”  It’s all about experiencing life fully, NOW, and loving it.  Forget about outcome, and look at “process” – explore what you think this step will bring to you, along with the process of living that this step will allow you to engage in.  In other words, will this next step encourage you to grow, stretch, be excited, enlivened, and expand yourself?  If so, there’s a great deal of benefit in it.

2) How does it make you feel to consider it?

In my marriage and family therapy training, one professor said that “feeling” is the “F” word – because a therapist and client talking just about feelings can be a slippery slope of not leading to any interventions that truly help a person move forward.

In this case, however, gaining awareness of how you feel is vitally important.  Watch yourself as you explore this next step or potential decision.  Do you feel energized, excited, with your heart beating?  Or do you feel like taking a nap, exhausted, depressed and hopeless.  How you feel, and the shifts in your energy level when you’re evaluating a potential decision are highly indicative of what your heart and soul really want to do.

3) Look at what holds you back – is it all fear-based?

Write out all the pros and cons to the decision you’re facing.  Then look at the cons…are they all fear-based (“what if”, anxiety-ridden thinking)?  If so, you’re most likely getting stuck in your limited beliefs and ego-based thinking that tell you that you simply can’t embrace this challenge or step because you’ll fail or the unknown is too scary.  The unknown doesn’t have to be scary – if you embrace it as a way to be more of yourself.

4) What does your intuition/gut tell you to do?

Decisions are best made when you combine logical, linear thinking with intuitive-based wisdom that comes from a higher place.  Your logical thinking helps you identify all the pros and cons (see #3) from an intellectual perspective, but your intuition has a farther-reaching view, one that sees a bigger picture of who and where you truly want to go, and what you’re capable of. 

Get in closer touch with your internal guiding wisdom and intuition.  Start today by developing a deeper inner dialog.  Ask questions of yourself on a continual basis, and listen for the answers, then follow them!.  Begin by asking simple “yes” or “no” questions (should I take this route or that one to get to my destination, should I stop here or wait a bit, etc.), and begin hearing what your intuition tells you.  Find the place in your body where your feel your intuition most (your gut, throat, back of your neck, heart, etc.) and begin incorporating the messages of your intuition in every decision you make.

*  *  *  *  *

Ultimately, each decision you make is the right one, because you made it, and you did your best at the time, and because it inevitably led to something that was important for you to experience.  Going forward, make your decisions with fuller awareness, choice, and a belief that everything you experience will ultimately lead to something greater in yourself.  Then, every decision will feel like (and be) the right one. 

If you have a decision to make today: get the info you need, don’t make assumptions about what you’re capable of, do your best, stop worrying, and start living.

Question of the week: What decisions have you made that at first seemed to be a mistake, but later opened up great new possibilities for you?

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When to Take Things Personally, and When Not To

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

This week, two ongoing clients of mine simply forgot they were scheduled for a coaching session, and just didn’t call.  When talking to them later, they apologized profusely, with sincere embarrassment, and told me they were crashingly busy, and their week got away from them  — they simply forgot (or had neglected to write it down).

When stuff happens in my life — in twos and threes like this — I like to try to wrap my head around if there’s something for me to learn or do differently, or if it’s just a random occurrence not worthy of any major evaluation or analysis.  After all, sometimes in life (as a friend of mine likes to say), “A butterfly is just a butterfly.”

In this case, I think there is something to look at…that perhaps making time for self-examination and self-discovery is a bit daunting in the face of everything else going on for these folks this week.    Perhaps an “I forgot” really means, “I can’t take this in, this week. I’m just not up for it.  I will be ready again soon, but not this week.”  And I really get that.

What would be even more empowering would be for each of us to grow in our awareness of this feeling, and say out loud, “I’m a bit overwhelmed right now, and can’t tackle anything more this week.”  After all, we’ve all had moments/periods like that.  There’s no shame in it.

To answer my own question, then, do I take these types of occurrences personally (that a few folks are forgetting to call in on a given week?)  Actually, no, I don’t (please let me know if you think I’m crazy!)  Per the powerful Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz, I work on avoiding taking things personally, because it gives me greater freedom not to, and an increased ability to keep an open heart and mind.  After all, whatever you want and need is up to you, as is the way you choose to communicate it.  In the end, I’m happier and less self-conscious when I don’t take things personally.

Question of the day: What do you take really personally, and what can you just let go of instead?  I’d love to hear your views.

Here’s to letting it all go, and feeling freer to just be ourselves and letting others do the same.

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Five Ways to Power-Up and Get What You Want

Friday, October 30th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino, M.A.

Here’s a quick rundown on five tactics for gaining more strength and power in your life and work, beginning today:

1) Do the inner work you have to do – I’ve had more than a few folks tell me lately that they really don’t want to do the deep re-evaluation and exploration work necessary to create more success and fulfillment.  In essence, they want it done for them or given to them.  My view – that just ain’t gonna happen (and why would you want it to)?   

Tip: Do the inner and outer work necessary to 1) figure out what you really want, 2) figure out the best way to get it, 3) figure out what you need to shift and change to get it, and 4) determine what you’ll give up to have it.  Then go get it.

2) Learn from others – In many of my seminars and talks to women, there are always one or two individuals who come up to me afterwards and share with me that they didn’t want to hear the views or experiences of others – they just wanted to focus on their own issues/problems.  But being teachable and understanding that we’re all alike in vital ways and can learn from others, is an essential ingredient to power and success.  Let connection feed you, not drain you.

 Tip: Let go of your inner narcissist.  Stop focusing exclusively on yourself.  Start connecting - listening to and learning from others.  There’s a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and perspective out there for you to benefit from.

3) Stop thinking “making great money means soul-sucking misery” -  If I hear one more time, “Yeah, Kathy, this career fulfillment stuff is nice, but I’ve got to pay the mortgage,” I’m going to spit.  Of course we have to pay our bills and stay afloat, but when are folks going to realize that paying your bills DOESNT inherently, inevitably mean sacrificing your soul to do it, and being miserable.  We think it does because we’ve mistakenly told ourselves that lie our entire lives – that making great money = soul-crushing work.  Making the money you truly need doesn’t mean you have to get sick, depressed, lose yourself, hate yourself, and sacrifice everything that means anything to you, just so you can pay your mortgage. 

 Tip: Figure out the new path you desperately long to take, and begin step-by-step to create it, with money-making and meeting your needs as a key goal.  No more excuses.

4) When you don’t know what you want to do, first focus on “essence,” then on “form” – When you’re really stuck as to what you want to do next, focus on figuring out the “essence” of what you want first in your life and work, and worry about the right “form” of it only as a second step.  An example: let’s say you adore singing and always have, and you hate your corporate job.  You might be thinking, “All I want to do is quit this job, and start singing for a living. I think I’d love that!”  To that, I’d say, “Wait a minute!”  Making a living as a singer (for instance) can be excruciatingly difficult.  Most performers say, “Do this only if you can’t NOT do it!”  So before you jump into what new job/career that you’ve been fantasizing about, figure out if it’s something you truly can’t live without doing and if you’re suited to a life of it. 

What are the inner qualities, traits (the essence) of the thing you long for – what do you think this thing will give your life that you don’t have now?  Ask yourself, “What does singing give to me?”  Your answers might be that singing brings you: entertainment, the joy of creating something beautiful, the reward of making music with others, creativity, harmony, fun, stimulation, physical exertion that’s also relaxing, surrounding yourself with beautiful sounds, etc.  

 After you know specifically what singing (or the thing you’re fantasizing about) gives you, then see if you can bring forward any parts of that “essence” into your current life/career.  If not, then start evaluating and researching what that might mean for you in terms of changing your job/career to embrace more of the essence of what you long for.

Tip: Explore what lights you up, what gives you passion, and why.  They determine if there are any ways you can bring those endeavors forward in your life today, without a wholesale reinvention, if possible.

5) Get Tough - Power Up Your Boundaries – To get what you want in life, you have to be strong and confident.  You have to protect yourself from all those who would suck your energy dry, use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty for not doing more than you should for others, and diminish you.  You can’t have a powerful life if you’re giving over all your power to others (including your children, spouse, boss, employer, friends, relatives, etc.).

Tip: Think about where you feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, and start there.  To whom do you need to say “no” and why aren’t you saying it?  It’s time to say more “No!” to others, and more “Yes!” to yourself, and time to speak up.  Just do it.

Question for the day: In what ways do you struggle in terms of feeling powerful and confident?  And what have you done to successfully increase your power in areas where it’s shaky?

Thanks for sharing, and many happy breakthroughs,
Kathy

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Why You Can’t Find Balance – and Why You Won’t, Until You Take These Steps

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Lately, I’ve been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women’s plates were full before, now they’re piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can’t have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren’t easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won’t ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here’s what’s necessary:

1) You’ve got to fight for it.

If you’re in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what’s right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can’t continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can’t speak up on your own (because you’ll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won’t change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what’s right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you’ll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you’ll drop out of the game.  That’s fine, if you’re doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don’t have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You’ve got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can’t feel healthy and balanced when you’re working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It’s not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it’s essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can’t do any more.  If that’s what he says, it’s critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It’s up to you to do this.  He won’t volunteer for this.

If you’re an overfunctioner (doing more than what’s necessary, healthy or appropriate – and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don’t want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first – internally – and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you’ll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you’ll have to deal with your family’s initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you’re not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what’s appropriate — not more — and it’s not easy.  But you’ll find a new stability, and they’ll get over it, and so will you. 

You’ll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you’ll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it’s time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you’re creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children – I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn’t ask.  That’s a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today’s the day.  Let’s all figure out for ourselves:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about
2) What are you taking on that’s too much – more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary
3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say “no”?
4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?
5) If you’re in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I’d suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand – get yourself out of your box and look at what’s truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today’s action step – Don’t waste another minute blaming someone else.  It’s your life – claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?

Please share!

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The Differences Between a Man and Woman’s Perspective on Happiness

Monday, October 19th, 2009

By Kathy Caprino, M.A.

“9 out of 10 women studied are experiencing at least one of the 12 crises working women face today, and over half don’t know what to do about it.  On average, working women are experiencing three crises at the same time.”

These 12 emotionally-devastating crises stand in the way of happiness, are not the same for women as for men.  If “happiness” is an experience of living well, liking yourself and what you’re doing, feeling excitement, joy and fulfillment during many of the days of your life, and feeling “in the flow,” the truth is this: the 12 hidden crises are preventing women from achieving happiness, and it won’t get better unless women take strong and focused action.

As one who works with women all day every day, and as a woman, mother, and high-level professional myself, I have very solid views on what women think and experience in terms of happiness. 

Women’s definition of happiness and their challenges in achieving happiness, are very different from men’s.

Here are some key differences between men and women’s experience of happiness:

1) Work-Life Balance – The Number One Crisis for Women, Not for Men

Women need to experience a sense of balance between their professional and personal identities to feel happy.  Because so many women work both inside the home and outside of it, these two colliding roles (and yes, they crash together powerfully in women more so then men) – and doing them well with a feeling of empowerment — are vitally important to women’s sense of success and happiness.

In Marcus Buckingham’s stimulating column on the Huffington Post about Women’s Happiness, he talks about women believing that there’s no such thing as balance anymore.  He writes that, according to the women he interviewed, “They didn’t talk about balance much at all. They seemed to realize that not only was a perfect equilibrium nigh on impossible to achieve, but also that even if they did manage to achieve it, it wouldn’t necessarily fulfill them anyway–when you are balanced, you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other. You are at a standstill. Balance is the wrong life goal. “

I, and the women I speak with, see it very differently.  Women are struggling and deeply longing for balance, in ways men can’t relate to.  Why?  Because women are still shouldering the majority of domestic responsibility, including child and elder care, while holding down jobs.  They are handling much more of the work inside the home, and they are connected viscerally and emotionally to their success (and perfectionism) as caregiver in different ways than men are. 

Women feel more angst and guilt about what they are doing or not doing.  Women are chronic “overfunctioners” – and men are not.  They beat themselves up for what they are not doing well enough, and for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than their family life.  Why is this? I believe it’s about cultural training, expectations, role modeling, and a bit about hardwiring when it comes to women’s emotions, brain functioning, values, needs, and instincts around caring for their children.

Balance for women doesn’t mean inertia – it means knowing what you love, doing it, and not eating yourself alive with guilt about what you are aren’t accomplishing when you’re focus on one thing (work), not the other (family) and vice versa. 

Lack of balance is the most severe crisis of the 12 hidden crises women are facing.  The balance women striving for is not “a pie in the sky” dream – it’s an essential component of a happy life – a sense of empowered equilibrium in which women are standing strong and stable on equal footing, giving priority to what they care about and love, without falling apart in the process.  If women have given up on that, then they’ll fail at being happy.

2) “White Male Competitive Career” Model Is Breaking Women

Further, at the risk of alienating some of my male readers, as a women’s advocate I must state this well-researched phenomenon - women’s inability to achieve balance is made more challenging by the existing “white male competitive career model” in place today in corporate America. 

Basically, the model has been constructed with underlying assumptions that successful professionals must adhere to the following rules: 1) follow a linear career path (no off-ramping and on-ramping), 2) focus on “full time” and “face time”, 3) commit most intensively to their career development in their 30s and 40s (when many women are having babies), and 4) feel motivated best and most by power and money.

These are generalizations, yes, but overall, there is strong evidence that the male competitive career model in American today is a complete misfit and damaging for women, and it needs to be shifted to embrace and honor women’s needs and values (click here for suggested employer initiatives that will address this ill-fitted model for women). 

What can women do to address these crises, and experience more happiness?

This is not a quick fix – it’s a breakthrough process that takes time, energy, and commitment, but it works.  When women take the following actions, they experience more happiness and fulfillment in their lives and work:

1) Grow stronger in identifying what really matters to you, uniquely and specifically

2) Tune out what others tell you (men and women) about how to live your life – be your own expert on your happiness.  Trust yourself.

3) Honor your values and needs from an empowered stance at work and at home – step up and take charge of yourself. Stop making excuses.

4) Evaluate your family situation realistically. Ask for (demand, if necessary) a more fair distribution of the domestic responsibility.

5) Stop overfunctioning and let go of perfectionism – focus hard on want you care about deeply, and let go of perfectionism in what you don’t care as much about.

6) Speak up and take action to bring about shifts at home and at your place of work and in the existing career model, so that they embrace and honor your needs and values

7) Identify what your “ideal” life looks and feels like. Get empowered outside help to create a success action plan, with concrete goals and outcomes, to achieve your life visions.

Say Yes! to your happiness.  You can do it!

There are 11 more crises women face today that men do not experience in the same way as women.  Crises for women are characterized by “I can’t do this” thinking –  a negative mantra that keeps them sad, sick and stuck.  While men experience some of these same crises, women internalize and process them differently, and each of these crises prevents women’s happiness. 

Here is a sampling of the 12 hidden crises of women today:

- Suffering from chronic health problems    
Failing health—a chronic illness or ailment—that won’t respond to treatment 

The mantra: “I can’t resolve my health problems.”
  
-  Losing your “voice”   
Contending with a crippling inability to speak up—unable to be an advocate for yourself or others, for fear of criticism, rejection, or punishment
 
The mantra: “I can’t speak up without being punished.”

- Facing abuse or mistreatment    
Being treated badly, even intolerably, at work—and choosing to stay

The mantra: “I can’t stop this cycle of mistreatment.”

- Feeling trapped by financial fears      
Remaining in a negative situation solely because of money

The mantra: “I can’t get out of this financial trap.”

- Wasting your real talents  
Realizing your work no longer fits and desperately wanting to use your natural talents and abilities

The mantra: “I can’t use my real talents.”

- Doing work you hate
Longing to reconnect with the “real you”—and do work you love

The mantra: “I can’t do work that I love.”

Be Your Own Happiness Expert - Take My Breakthrough Challenge!

Please take my challenge this month - Ask yourself, then 10 women and 10 men you know the following questions:

1) How do you define “happiness?” 
2) Are you experiencing happiness, by and large?
3) If not, what gets in the way?
4) If you are experiencing happiness on a regular basis, how do you achieve it?

Compare the answers between men and women, and let me know what you learn.

Key questions for the week – What do YOU think are the differences between men’s and women’s views and experiences of happiness?  How are men and women different in achieving happiness as they define it, and what does that difference mean to you?  Finally, how can women achieve more happiness in their lives? 

Please share your views!  A diverse, open, and constructive dialogue is the first step to breakthrough.

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Blog Action Day ’09 - What Can One Individual Do To Address Climate Change? Take Action!

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

As with any major shift occurring in the world, one person can’t turn it around all by him/herself. But each of us can have a direct and significant impact, and that impact reverberates and spreads. Blog Action Day ’09 asks us to take responsibility today, speak up, and spark a global discussion on climate change. Join the discussion – add your voice!

Clearly, we are accountable for how we live our lives, for what we model for others and our children. We are responsible for the core messages we send to our family, our community, and the world about what we value, support, and wish to protect and nurture.

How each of us addresses this climate crisis is very similar to the ways in which we handle our own personal crises.

What’s the best way to deal with any crisis?

1. Get out of denial – Admit we have a serious crisis on our hands, and take concrete action to address it.

2. Get accountable – Take responsibility for your own actions and do what you can.

3.Treasure the good – Know what makes life worth living, and value and protect it.

4. Plan for the future – Understand yourself and the far-reaching implications of your actions. Think about the future and what you want to build and leave behind, not just of the present.

5.Commit to being the change you want to see – Step up, and realize that even one new promise or decisive action can create a shift and make all the difference.

In my family of four (with two school-aged children), we focus on doing what we can to contribute to slowing climate change. We use less energy, and cut down on waste. We turn off lights, appliances, and computers that aren’t in use. We’ve reduced our driving, and commit to carpooling wherever possible. We recycle, use energy efficient appliances, support locally grown food, keep the temperature in our house a few degrees lower, properly insulate our home and heater, and take shorter showers and fewer baths.

Another way we contribute to facilitating positive change is by supporting political candidates who care deeply about this issue, and who are 100% committed to enacting policies, laws, and endeavors that will reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Most importantly, we discuss the issue openly with our children and explore what new things they and their generation can do to help.

I hope people will continue to find their own ways to create breakthrough in how they address this serious crisis. In dealing with climate change, as in handling our personal crises, failing to understand that we’ve co-created the problem and need to shift our behavior, is simply playing the victim. That type of thinking, as we’ve learned, will never get us where we need and want to go.

For me, participating in this action day has spurred me to step up my commitment (for one, I will commit to stopping my use of plastic bags, starting today).

What one step can you take today to step up your commitment?

Thank you for sharing your voice and participating. Wishing our world many powerful breakthroughs.

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Can You Make a Good Living Being a Life Coach?

Monday, October 12th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino

Running a coaching and consulting company dedicated to helping women achieve breakthrough in their lives and work, I meet thousands of folks each year who want to reinvent, many of whom are considering launching a coaching or consulting practice, or other small business of their own.  They long to transition into coaching for solid reasons, and many come with great, top-level experience. 

As a career consultant, I help people evaluate if launching a coaching practice or other venture seems a viable step for them first by conducting a thorough assessment of their goals, abilities, preferences, personality, values, mission, purpose, and long-term plans.  As my book publicist Patti Danos asked me when I was launching my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, I ask my clients, “What do you want, and what do you really want, in doing this?”

After such an assessment, I have often recommended in the past, “Looks like it makes sense at this time to move forward, and that you’ve got a strong grasp of what’s required.  Go for it!” 

Now, however, in these intensely challenging times, I ask this new question, “Are you ready and able to do what it takes to make this successful? Are you 3000% committed?”

About becoming a coach, the average income of a life coach in the U.S. today is between $30,000 - $40,000.  Only 10% to 20% or so make six-figure incomes, and many more life coaches don’t make anywhere near $30,000.  It’s not an easy path, and clients simply will not fall in your lap.  Success requires time, action, commitment, and a good number of top level skills to differentiate yourself, and to generate a large enough community to continue to fill your pipeline of paying clients.

A coach from the largest coaching organization in the world told me last week that of all the folks that reach out to them to pursue coaching, only 40% are truly “coachable,” and of those, only 30% end up signing up for services.  Those stats apply to my business as well.

I realized something this week that feels like a real “aha” to me – coaching is for a group or culture that is at the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – the level of self-actualization.  Today, however, our economic strife has pushed millions of people us down several levels of the hierarchy – to the level of “safety” — so that their primary focus now is on financial safety and security. 

If you’re interested in starting a practice/business as a life coach during these times, I’d ask you to seriously evaluate yourself, your abilities and talents, your passion for this, and your commitment to launching and maintaining a thriving practice/business.  These questions apply to you if you’re considering any entrepreneurial, small business, or consulting endeavor as well:

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What must I earn each year, to achieve the standard of living I need?  What have I earned before (and if I want to top that, what will I do differently)?

• What’s my risk tolerance?  Can I tolerate a lack of stability, fluidity, and security?

• What is my relationship with money today?  How do I deal with it, earn it, save it, invest it and grow it?  Are my actions around money, and feelings, and views powerful and healthy?  Are you committed to making the living you want?

• What is motivating me – consciously and subconsciously – to want to be a life coach?  Is there anything I’m running from that I need to address first?

• If I do everything I can to make my practice work for three to five years, and $30,000 remains my income, will this be acceptable and viable for my life and family?  If not, what will be my plan to grow myself, my knowledge and skill set — to be part of the minority segment of high-earners in the coaching field?

• Do I have the abilities, courage, confidence, perseverance and commitment to undertake all the facets of running a thriving practice/business, including: client development, networking, social media, marketing, branding, speaking, workshops, writing, business and financial leadership, and providing top-notch client services – all in one?  If not, where will I get support, learn new skills, and how will I fund this growth?

• Am I able to figure out what I don’t know or what I’m not good at, and get help all along the way to fill in my knowledge, power, and business gaps?

• Are you ready to give up a “build it and they will come” mentality, and step up to what it takes to run a successful business/practice?

• Finally, what are you looking for – a job or a calling?

I ask you to address these questions not to discourage you from following your dreams, but to present a realistic picture of what’s essential in running a successful business today.  If you conduct a deep exploration of your answers to these questions and come up ready to move forward to pursue life coaching as your career, fantastic!!  If not, then perhaps other avenues and outcomes of career reinvention are more suited to you, and will make you happier and more fulfilled.

If you do wish to move forward into life coaching, I’d say it’s time for you to explore it further and embrace the possibility. 

Here are some first great steps:

1) Research, research, research what it will take (start first with the International Coach Federation) and explore training programs, resources, and other coaches’ businesses and models.  Find a successful life coach to hire who could serve as your mentor business coach.  My specific tip here: Use a business coach who has already achieved what you long to.  (For info on the difference between a “mentor” coach and an “implementation” coach, stayed tuned to my upcoming posts.)

2) Get powerful with your money today – don’t wait.  Gain a thorough grasp of your financial situation – what you need to earn, what you spend, what you can cut back on, how you will fund your reinvention, and so on.  Get a great financial consultant to help you sort out your situation, and set realistic, stretching goals.  Get out of denial, and get powerful with your finances.

3) “Go where the energy is” – observe yourself in the process of exploring this path.  Does it feel exciting, energizing, enlivening, or daunting and discouraging?  For you to make a go of this, the predominant feeling needs to be excitement, possibility, and passion.

4) Receive training and education  – nothing moves us forward faster than powerful training and education to help us be and know more than we do today.  Don’t skip that step.  Coaching training and business skill development are absolutely vital to teach you how to be the best coach, and business owner, you can be.

5) Develop a sound business plan with concrete marketing strategies.  Find a great non-profit organization (such as SCORE the Women’s Business Development Center, or Count Me In) in your area, to help you create powerful business and marketing tactics, and a plan, to make your endeavor successful.

6) Finally, take my four steps to breakthrough:
- Step Back for an empowered outside perspective on where you are, and what you dream of doing

- Let Go of the thinking, behaviors, and patterns that have been keeping you stuck and holding you back in the past

- Say Yes! to your compelling visions.  If you really want to do this, then commit yourself 3000% to doing what it takes to be successful.

- Create It!  Develop a solid plan, complete with goals, outcomes, and milestones against which to measure your progress.  If you don’t plan it, you’ll have a very tough time creating it, or generating the necessary energy you need to build it.

For added support, sign up for my newsletters and my blog on career and life breakthrough to give you some ongoing assistance and resources.

Life coaching is a fabulously exciting and rewarding field.  Here’s to embracing your inner (and outer) coach, and being financially and emotional successful doing it!

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Are You Self-Sustaining or Community-Sustaining, or Better Yet – Both!

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

by Kathy Caprino

In speaking today with my fabulous digital strategy mentor Nettie Hartsock, we stumbled on an interesting concept, which is this…in the digital world, it’s all about open contributing and sharing generously, giving of yourself freely. It’s also about shining a light on others — pointing to the special brilliance and contribution of other colleagues and leading edge thinkers in a way that sustains and nurtures community, connection, learning and the global growth.

The underlying problem with this whole approach for so many small business owners, creatives, authors, consultants and entrepreneurs, is that this idea – this “movement,” shall we say — can feel in total opposition to how we’ve operated for years. Giving of ourselves freely (without asking for or commanding money for own gifts, talents, and services), and pointing to the distinguished talents of others, can feel in sharp contrast to the ways we’ve achieved success (financial, emotional, and otherwise) in the past. After all, our cultural worldview has, up until now, been about the individual hacking it out in the wilderness, and coming up with the bounty all by him/herself.

Thousands of individuals today have achieved fantastic results and accomplishments because of their intense and relentless focus on self – what they offer the world individually and uniquely that no one else can. So the idea of a shift from a self-orientation to a community-orientation can be daunting, scary and confusing. Giving away for free what folks have spent years honing and developing – the very thing that makes them different and sets them apart — seems counterintuitive, or bad business, to many.

Further, the ego – the part of the personality equation that is so often helpful in launching yourself powerfully in the world – can feel very threatened when we’re being asked to shift away from self-centric endeavors to community-building endeavors.

As a business owner who helps other business owners, practitioners, authors, professionals, etc. make money doing what they love, I know that balance is essential to a passionate, powerful, and purposeful life and career. Balance in all areas is vitally important - balance between work and family, between making great money and doing good in the world, AND balance between gratifying and sustaining your ego/individuality/self and supporting the growth of the world outside yourself.

These are not mutually exclusive endeavors, of course, though they can feel like they are. People say to me, “I don’t have one second to waste in my business. Times are so hard. I don’t have time to blog and tweet and follow others. I need to go out and make some money here!”

But finding a way to contribute openheartedly to the world WHILE sustaining and nurturing the self in a bountiful way is the key to a well-lived life and a successful business/career.

So to those who ask themselves, “Do I really have to participate in this online movement to grow my business?” I say this – giving and sharing of yourself – of your special knowledge, perspective, and wisdom — gratifies your soul and also directly benefits your business and your career. The return on investment (yes, that dreaded measure!) is clear. Give of yourself generously to the world, and you will earn financial and emotional success in return.

As you develop your community through generous giving of yourself and to others, you build a tremendously powerful network of like-minded partners and supporters in this world – people who find what you have to offer extremely valuable and will share that knowledge with others. These supporters will help you grow your business endeavors by connecting you with new and wonderful folks who will gladly utilize (and pay for) your products, services and special talents, for the greater good of all involved.

Don’t trust me? Take my challenge:
Kathy’s challenge: For three months, participate more fully (in specific, concrete ways) in the social media movement. Create a blog, share a newsletter, complete your LinkedIn profile, ask for recommendations on LinkedIn and give others a great recommendation, tweet about others’ fantastically interesting viewpoints – share freely and openly your wisdom and perspective. (Here are mine, for some samples: blog, newsletter, LinkedIn profile, Twitter).

Then measure what you get in return. If you don’t see a return that blows your mind, let me know. I’ll send you a free copy of my book Breakdown Breakthrough if you take my challenge. Write to Kathy@elliacommunications.com to participate and for details.

Thanks, and “see” you online soon!

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